I've been really feeling quite low since my Saturday performance. I am disappointed that I didn't play better and the only enjoyable thing about the whole experience was the opportunity to play my pieces with an accompanist. It has lead me to think very much about why I am bothering with this at all - and whether there is any need to put myself through the stress of performing.
My practice session yesterday did, fortunately remind of me of why I am doing this - so my oboe won't be going on ebay just yet! I found that without the stress of the performance my tone came back and I enjoyed playing so much more. I went back and played some of the pieces that I've studied with my teacher over the last couple of years. Playing the Britten Metamorphoses showed me that I have improved, even over the last few months and reminded me that I don't need to play to other people to enjoy playing music. It is enough reward in itself. Having said that, being able to play in orchestra and meet up with people to play chamber music is also a motivation.
So what about performing? I don't mean orchestra concerts which are completely different. There is a sense of anonymity in an orchestra - the focus is never on one player and as a woodwinder I get to hide right at the back, which is always helpful! Doing the kind of performance I did on Saturday is a whole different kettle of fish - it is about putting yourself on show, and being the focus of attention It involves being very vulnerable and taking something that is very personal and important to you and holding it up in front of people to criticise and comment on...and I just don't enjoy doing that!
So why did I agree to do this in the first place? Mainly because I was asked, the person that asked was a friend, I knew that she was struggling to find enough people and I wanted to help her out. I also knew that the only reason not to do it was fear and I don't like saying no to things because I'm frightened! It gives me the urge to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. I suppose I had the idea that it would be "good for me" to face my fear of performing and get over it a bit. I have played the oboe at Adult learner concerts before - but only 3 times - these are generally very supportive events where everybody understands what it takes to step up and play. I found them scary and a challenge but I thought I had managed well enough to step up a level to play something like this.
But I think I underestimated how difficult I would find it. I know that I used to have crippling performance nerves - in fact the last time I was asked to play in a concert was on piano in my second year at Uni. I was so scared by the thought of it that by the day of the concert I was genuinely ill. I got a Doctor's note so I didn't have to play. When they made playing in the end of year concert a condition of having subsidised lessons, I stopped having lessons - though I would never have admitted the real reason. Since then I've played keyboard, piano in church hundreds, if not thousands, of times, in front of a couple of hundred people, without feeling excessively nervous. So I thought I had conquered that particular demon. But of course that is completely different. When I play at church, the focus is not on me - people are looking at the words, focusing on what they are singing, or thinking about what is for lunch. They rarely notice who is playing or what they are doing - or so I can convince myself. It also helps that the music I am playing then is rarely challenging and usually sits miles inside my comfort zone. I generally feel reasonably confident in that situation and I thought that sense of confidence could translate across - but it didn't really.
So what about next time? I don't get opportunities to play for other people very often so it may not come up again for a while, if ever! That also means that I don't think I will be playing for other people regularly enough to beat these nerves - it will always be a big thing and will always be scary. So why put myself through it? I think I've realised that I don't have to! I would never say never again - but, on the slim chance that I get asked back next year, I am pretty sure I will have something else on that day. Sorry!
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